Confessions of a maxed-out mama!
/What you can do to make those early weeks and months easier on yourself as a new mum?
When I was pregnant with my first child, I envisioned my baby sleeping twelve hours a night, breastfeeding like a champ, and slotting easily into a life of part-time study and brunch dates with the girls. I know, ridiculous right? But I’d never heard otherwise. I became a mum before most of my friends and, according to my own mum, I’d been the most easy-going babe on the block.
But my reality was the marked opposite of my mum’s experience and the fairy stories I’d told myself. My son screamed bloody murder after every feed, due to dairy intolerance, wind and a gnarly case of not-so-silent reflux. Rarely did he leave my arms.
Even short trips in the car were riddled with anxiety and tears (mine and his!). I adored the endless cuddles, but I was maxed out, physically and mentally. Bub’s colicky cries had me in a constant state of fear – nervous and panicked that a barking dog or door knocker would wake the light-sleeping angel I’d just spent two hours rocking to get to that state.
I was afraid to shower, were he to wake crying and I wouldn’t be there. I was afraid to leave the house with him, lest I feel judgemental stares burn into my soul, should I be unable to settle my screaming baby.
I became incredibly isolated. Friends stopped calling because I wouldn’t venture out of my hermit cave to spend time with them. Family miffed I wasn’t all smiles when they rocked up to suit themselves and cut into the precious little time that my touched out, exhausted and anxious self wasn’t rocking a crying babe and agonising over what might be wrong.
Throw in a case of mastitis, oral thrush in bub, breastfeeding challenges and recovery from birth-related health complications and I honestly don’t know how I made it out of those harrowing early months.
Yes, friends, motherhood can be a mothereffer.
Despite the immeasurable joy, unshakeable love, and heart-swelling pride – all the many wonderful things you hear about motherhood that make it such a worthy and rewarding endeavour – I have been at my tipping point more times than I care to recall.
And while the sleepless nights and relentless cries have long been replaced by school runs and sibling squabbles, adrenal fatigue and social anxiousness persist – tattooed on my DNA from a time that I lived in constant fight or flight mode, subsisted on toast, and shut myself off from the world.
Motherhood is a mammoth task and it’s not uncommon for new mums to have trouble finding their feet. Around 1 in 7 Aussie mums experience postnatal depression, and postnatal anxiety is just as common, with some mums experiencing both.
The chances of developing postnatal depression and anxiety are heightened by a history of anxiety/depression, a family history or mental illness, a difficult or complex pregnancy, a premature or unwell baby, birth trauma, sleep deprivation, feeding/settling issues, pre-existing physical illness, ongoing stress, and limited support.
While it’s certainly not the case that every new mum will struggle, early motherhood is a period of momentous physical and lifestyle change, and a steep learning curve. It pays to arm yourself with a support system, well in advance of your babe’s birth.
It was through a wonderful lactation consultant, copious research and finding my village in a small Facebook group of likeminded, knowledgeable mums that I was able to get the better of our feeding and digestion issues, sonny and I started sleeping better and I was able to conquer my postnatal funk, enough so that I was ready for round two once my son turned one.
There are so many wonderful supports popping up, which recognise that modern mums need their village now, more than ever. Villagehood, in Adelaide’s west, provides fun fitness, art and cooking classes for mums in a relaxed, non-judgmental setting, with an onsite creche for children aged six months and over. The Golden Month provides a mix of in-home acupuncture and massage, nutrient-dense home delivered meals and make-at-home meal bases and lactation treats. And private midwives, lactation consultants and postnatal doulas are becoming more widely available, who can visit you in your home to help care for you and baby and answer the million and one questions that every new mother has.
Community is everything
For more than ten thousand years, we humans lived in a tight-knit village setting. A sisterhood of female relatives and friends rallied around the new mother, providing care, nourishing meals, and some respite from the demands of early motherhood. But in modern times, our sisterhood has disbanded.
It’s not that we don’t have women in our lives who care about us, it’s that they most often don’t live in the same suburb, our mothers are working until later in life, thanks to a skyrocketing cost of living, and our sisters and friends are doing the work/motherhood juggle and contending with limited support themselves.
Human connection is soul medicine. If you don’t have a circle of support nearby, get connecting. I can’t express enough how important it is to link up with mums of young children, particularly those who share your values and parenting style. They will be a wealth of support and knowledge as you navigate raising a teeny human.
Early on in your pregnancy, look up mothers’ groups in your area, join Facebook parenting groups and begin putting together your pre- and postnatal support team, which might include a midwife, doula, board-certified lactation consultant, naturopath, massage or physical therapist, acupuncturist and even a darn good meal delivery service and cleaner. Ask for vouchers for these services in lieu of too many onesies and ALL the useless baby paraphernalia, like automated nappy disposal, glowing owls, and room thermometers.
Hypnotise yourself Zen
You’ve likely heard of Hypnobirthing Australia ™️, a method of achieving self-hypnosis and deep relaxation to reduce fear and pain and promote calm during labour, but HypnoMothering ™️ is a lesser-known technique which helps mums to retain a sense of peace and balance during parenting’s more trying moments.
Persistent crying, frequent night waking and a babe who just won’t sleep can all push you to your limits. It can be difficult to keep calm in these situations and the more stressed you get, the more taxing these situations feel. In just a couple of hours, a HypnoMothering ™️ provider will equip you with practical tips for fast relaxation, tapping into positive emotions and achieving deep, restful sleep, even when you’re catching an hour or two at a time. It might sound a little woo, but hypnosis is simply a safe, natural state of selective, focused attention and a handy instrument in your parenting toolkit.
Postnatal care is *just* as important as prenatal care
As expectant mothers, we’re carefully tended to by our healthcare providers for nine months; complete strangers show interest in our wellbeing. We take care to eat all the right things and take our vitamins, and then bub arrives. Suddenly, we’re adrift in a sea of nappies and spit-up, often more physically depleted than ever before and essentially left to fend for ourselves with the most important gig we’ll ever have. We feel “lucky” if our partners can afford to take their government-allotted two weeks leave at minimum wage or have some annual leave saved up to support us in our new role but, even so, the responsibility of caring for this brand-new human falls largely with mum.
Maternal depletion is no joke. Described as physical and mental deterioration caused by birth and breastfeeding, as well as the trials and stresses of motherhood, maternal depletion is characterised by extreme fatigue, hyper vigilance and constant overwhelm. I realised just how much I’d been neglecting my health when my breastmilk dried up, 18 months into feeding my second child, and my period took an additional six months to return. A blood test revealed that I was despicably low in many major nutrients that are vital to immune function and energy.
Unchecked depletion can snowball into ongoing health issues. As mums, we tend to bury ourselves in our role and deprioritise our own needs, postponing health appointments and exercise, and spending our often heavily reduced income on our little ones instead of things that we desperately need.
Commit to making yourself a priority. If you need any excuse other than you’re freakin’ worth it, your family will be happier and everything is easier when you, mama, are happy and healthy. When you’re rundown and stressed, the smallest stressors feel unbearably taxing. Invest in yourself and your motherhood journey will be *so* much smoother.
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